Phi Phi Island, it’s funny because it sounds like pee...

We have an early pick-up so breakfast is rushed. It is going to be a long day. Our transfer arrives and we have a chat with a couple from Melbourne. They have been to Thailand a couple of times. This time they have the three kids with them, (5, 8, 12 so old enough to enjoy the holiday!), but are doing Phi Phi alone J That is the way to do it!

We arrive with hordes of other transfer vans. This tour company seems popular, and the reviews speak fairly highly of them. Fin hire for snorkelling is 100bht. Sash, (one of the people we met in the van), recommended we hire a pair as the snorkelling areas are large and make exploring the waters a bit easier and you get a bit of protection should you brush against an angry sea urchin. (Obviously won’t protect your face but your feet are all good)

The tour operators round everybody up. A short Thai man with bleached blonde tips pulls up a patio chair and climbs up.

Miss Coco Chanel holding a sea sick tab. TAKE ONE  ONLY!!

I notice immediately his hands are being held in a very camp manner, like me when I get drunk I guess. He announces....

(I will try and type it how it sounded. Think drag queen with a Thai/Asian accent and you are there with me)

“Oh-kaaaay Oh-kaaaaaaayyeee. Evvry botti listen to meee. This wayee, this wayeee! Welcome evvry botti to the too-arrrr”

The whole group takes a seat and directs their attention to this funny fellow.

“Maaai name eez Miss Coco Chanel” (like Chanel No.5 lol)

“Toodaay we gotoo Pee-Pee islands. Yeaaassss. Eeeeeeeif you get the sick frum seeeeaz you take one peel...” (waves around a sea sick tablet)

“...eeeif yooou take too.....(comic pause, hand on hip)....seee you tomorrow. Goootniiiight!”

Shit, these sea sick tabs must be pretty good. I think about taking two just for laughs...

“Eeeif you take thrrrreee.....(bigger comic pause, thrust hips out)...holidaaaaiee ovurrrr!”

At this stage everyone is in hysterics. We are all pumped to get on the water and hope that Miss Coco Chanel is our guide for the day. They gave us stickers for group 1, 2 & 3. We were group 3. Fingers crossed.

“Eeeeeeif you hab steeekarr number tree. You have loverly Fai-yo”

A short Thai girl runs up, gives everyone a ‘wai’ and sawasdee kaaaaaaaaaaa....:) We all say hello back.

“Eeeeeif you hab the nuber tooo. You arrrr wit Joker!”

A lanky Thai boy waves and bows with a big smile.

“Eeeeeif you hab number wan....(biggest comic pause of all time with a huge cheeky lady-boy grin)...you have Miss Coco Chanel and you have goot time, long time!”

The crowd erupts with applause and we shuffle off to the marina with our guides. Phayo, (say it just like Miss Coco did. Fai, like eye and oh like the letter ‘O’), seems pretty cool. She immediately refers to us as brother and sister.

“Hello mai nice brother and sister. You are our family today.”

We get the run down of the tour and load up on the boat. We miss the shaded area of the speed boat because we are gawking at the marina and still laughing about Miss Coco. It’s all good though we packed the 30+ so we sit up the front.

Titanic it aint...because that was a different DiCaprio movie...

We are told it will take one hour and a half to an hour forty to get to the first spot. “The Beach” Yeah, the same one from the movie The Beach. Phayo jokingly says “you know Leondarrrdo? Yeasss, yeasss he it my boyfriend. We meet up hia” The big Thai grin lets us know she is bullshitting. I love Thai people.

Here is the background on The Beach...

Its real name is Maya Bay. It is a small bay on Phi Phi Leh, (That is the name of the island where the beach is situated) Stunningly beautiful, (minus the tourists it would be), it is sheltered by at least 100m high cliffs on each side of the bay. If you have seen the movie The Beach then you know where we are and what it looks like. If not from above it would look like a letter ‘C’ except the ends of the C almost meet. Water funnels in and out through here with the tide. It is very sheltered from the outside ocean.  The main beach is about 200m long. There are other small beaches and cays between the high rise cliffs but most are only visible at low tide.

Now the movie, lol. Originally a book by Alex Garland. Fox bought the rights to the book and signed Leo DiCaprio to play the lead role in the movie. Maya Bay was perfect...only Fox decided that the perfect beach needed some palm trees and less vegetation. WTF? Environmentalists went nuts saying that removing vegetation would degrade the beach and result in erosion. And rightly so as this little ecosystem was very delicate. After filming, Fox replanted the vegetation and bamboo fences put in place to hold up the sand until the plants took root. There were very strong tides and a storm following this and the sand flowed down from the beach and killed a lot of the coral.

There was a bit of debate as to if it was a result of the replanting failing or just natural erosion. I agree with the environmentalists, it was a bullshit move to tear out the bush that had held the sand from the sea for hundreds of years before they arrived.

Bay view from Maya Beach

Off my high horse! Oh and back on it again. We corner the entrance to Maya Bay, it is looking pretty stunning so far with the high volcanic cliff faces bearing down on us in the rough and choppy August seas. When we make it around the corner we find about 30 tour boats already anchored up at the beach. The beach itself is full of people. 

I waited so long for a clear photo of the sign and this crazy little bitch pops up out of nowhere!
Randomly funny though..

I was a bit disappointed in this but I guess I really should have expected that a place this beautiful would be overrun by visitors. I find out that it is best to get here really early, like before 7:00am or after 5pm. Note to self. We wander a little on the beach. Take some photos. It’s funny because I took shots that cut out most of the tourists then included them in the next shot. Kind of like paradise one shot, Schoolies Gold Coast the next!

Packed out beach. It was madness but had it moments...

Much better looking without the peeps

This was great to watch, Asian guy molding a penis on another Asian guy...

I'm like the kid out of "The Sixth Sense" that always sees dead people.
(only I see penis not dead people...)

Back into the boat we go and it is a 10 minute trip around to Pi Leh Bay or the lagoon as Phayo called it. Again this is a bay like Maya Bay only smaller and tighter entry and much less busy. The water depth ranges from a few meters right down to about 20 meters. We pull up gently, no wave action like outside the bay. The water is calm and fairly clear. One of the deck hands motions for us to take a dive from the front. The fist guy up is a bloke from New York living in Korea. Straight in without warning. So I step up next.

Phayo is waving from inside the boat saying “No! No! Wet a minute! Wet! Wet!”

The Lagoon. It was nice and peaceful here

The deck hand says jump...lol I find myself at the bow of the boat, will all eyes fixed upon my Moby Dick white chubbiness. I Dive in. I get about ¾’s the way to the bottom from the dive before I try to equalize my sinuses. 20m deep my arse Phayo, this is like 30 – 35m! I pull out of my dive to the bottom and pop up in time to see the tour boat leaving with everyone waving and Phayo yelling out “Goootbaiiiii!!!” Funny bastards. I have a quick chat to Mr NY-Korea while we swim over to where the boat weighs anchor. We both agree it was deeper than 20m there haha.

Vicky joins me for a dip. It is beautiful. Azure waters, cool but not cold. 100m cliff faces surrounding us. Quiet and serene. Japanese family with life jackets to laugh at as they float away and get dragged back by deckhands. The only sounds are laughter and the deep roar of a long-tail boat taking off.

One of the random Japanese that floated away from the boat.
Plus a hidden beach between the gap.

The limestone walls were impressive and massive.

We clamber back into the speed boat and set off to Yong Kasem Bay. On the way is the “Viking Cave”. This is a big cave where swifts, (a bird), make their nests. Do you know bird nest soup? Now you know where it comes from. A lot of bird nests come from Thailand. 

Viking cave! People live around the place to protect it from poachers in the off season

This giant cave houses many a nest for swift. It is lined with bamboo and rope for the harvesting of nests. They call it the Viking Cave due to some paintings on walls resembling Viking ships. The paintings are supposed to be ancient, really ancient according to local stories. They are more likely, (apparently), to be a couple of hundred years old if that. But the name still sticks. The bird nests are made from the saliva of swifts. The season to harvest is February to April. It is August so no nests are taken legally.

Phayo tells us about the swift. They fly in and build a nest with spit. They take great care to make a crescent shaped cup against the cave walls. Only once a nest is complete with the swift mate and lay two, maybe three eggs. 

Swift and spit nest. Worth so much money and I still can't work out why...

The locals that harvest them don’t discriminate between full nest or empty during the season. Many eggs are discarded. Phayo said it makes her feel sad because the bird makes a neat and tidy nest and then can’t have any babies. She would like people to stop taking the nests. Plus Phayo doesn’t understand why the Chinese would pay many thousands of baht to eat bird spit/spew! I agree with Phayo.

The next little island we hit up for a snorkel is Phi Phi Don. So now you know both of Phi Phi Islands: Phi Phi Leh is smaller with Maya Bay and Phi Phi Don is larger, inhabited and has monkeys...apparently! Our snorkel spot is to be just outside or Yong Kasem Bay, (monkey bay). It is pretty choppy on that side so the boat pulls up in a nice shallow coral drop-off. In we go.

The water is full of fish. I try to film some with my hand held underwater camera but I am so hopeless with it! There are Damsel fish in scores, Wrasses galore and heaps of clams. Their lips where blue and green mostly. Some pink and brown. Before we know it the snorkel is over. Normally we would be able to enter Yon Kasem Bay to check out the monkeys but the tide and choppy seas prevent entry. Phayo says we will try and see some monkeys on the way to lunch. They are a no show but most of us a pretty happy to get some grub and shade.

The snorkel location was great.

 Phi Phi Don as I mentioned earlier is larger of the two Phi Phi islands. There is a large undercover of palm leave roof buffet luncheon going on. It is decent but nothing to write home about. We dine with a large African American woman from Georgia. Nice enough lady but couldn’t handle the flies buzzing about in the open air. Vicky buys a mad Thai style cornetto ice cream. This place, and the other beaches we landed on, have signs warning of tsunami zones and where to run in case of one. It is a humbling reminder of the events of 2004 and an outstanding job of the Thai people to get things back in order so soon.

I think in reality, we'd all be effed if it happened on the day.

Long tails ready to go! It was a quite bay even though it was populated.

Back into the boat.

We call in to see the monkeys and they are hanging out in the trees and on the rocks near the water. I was pretty surprised to see them jump into the water as well. Our deckhands tossed bananas to them and they caught them, peeled them and gulped them whole! Very cute looking but Phayo tells us they are proper wild monkeys just used to seeing people. They still bite! From what I could tell they were all Long-Tailed Macaques, the kind the Thai people used to train to collect coconuts from the trees. (We will learn more about that on one of the safaris I think...)

I swear it looked like this monkey had more feet and legs...

She had a baby monkey. The Japanese group went nuts for it..."kawaiiiiiiiii!!!"

Showing off his twig-dick. Cheeky little....monkey haha

Koh Kai is next up. Koh meaning island and Kai meaning chicken. They call it this because the tip of part of the island looks like a chicken head. I don’t know how they worked that out from land or boat, from the air it kind of looks like a chicken or rooster head...kind of J

I am not sure this would be classed as an island if it didn’t have the bar and toilets in the middle. It is little more than a sand cay with rocks at one end and some think bush/jungle in the middle. Either way it is pretty cool. The side we arrive on is copping the full force of the on-shore winds. This side is lined with beach chairs and beach umbrellas, (for hire of course). We land and leave the group straight away for a walk around the island. We find that once we leave the main beach area and get to the other side the wind is buffeted to a stop by the small thicket of jungle and offers crystal clear water with little more than two or three people there. I guess it is empty here because there is more shade less sun and no bar or beach umbrellas...people are weird. This was the paradise in the ocean we saw in the brochure! 

Windy one side....

Calm on the other. Literally only rocks separating the two sides

Paradise. I could have stayed all afternoon

I take a dip while Vicky takes some photos. We are only disturbed by Phayo bringing a platter of pineapple and watermelon and the camera guy documenting the day of the tour guests. All too soon the call is made for us to climb aboard and head for home.

Vicky did warn me not to dive in the shallows....

The trip home was more fun than the trip to Phi Phi. It was choppy in the morning but we had the wind behind us and the waves were crossing. This time we are hitting a head wind and the sea was surging a little. It made for entertaining jumps and bumps. Like rollercoaster without the harness.

Arriving at the marina, we can hear the other speed boat and deck hands singing happy birthday to Miss Coco Chanel. Turns out it was his...um..her birthday today. We have a photo together for the dvd before leaving for the hotel. Tonight we will have a big meal and some drinkies at Fat Mama’s.

There are a couple of people already at the bar from Western Australia. I sit down and we order up some drinks and food. The food is crazy good again. Tonight behind the bar we have Jeaw, Jit, Dee and Nuch. The games are on and another group of Aussies arrive, they appear to be regulars as well. They straight up order tequila shots. This place is about to get silly...

There is a bell hanging from the bar. If you ring the bell you buy everyone at the bar a round of shots. It will cost you 1000bht for the shots. Your choice of shots. I ring it and order another round of tequila, lemon and salt. It was great. Then someone else rang the bell. B-52’s all around. Then again someone rings the bell B-69’s...shit Jaew just rang the bell himself and shouts the bar shots! Somewhere afterwards Jaew sticks a box on his head and starts to shuffle dance. 

Everyday I'm shuffling!

Then we all shuffle dance. I opt to shuffle dance on the bar top tiles. How I didn’t fall I will never know. Perhaps it was the power of shuffle...

I try to give a lady from Brisbane a lesson in shuffle dancing. Hilarious given I can barely do it myself. Around this time Jaew introduces me to Cointreau and Red Bull. Strange mix I think to myself. In Thailand the red bull is not fizzy and does not come in a can. Instead it is a treacle like bright yellow liquid in 100 – 150mL brown bottles. Kind of like the old medicine bottles.

Just promise me if you go to Fat Mama’s order one for yourself first drink. It will keep you going and going and going!

As the stupidity gets stupider...we take our leave. I talk to all the shop owners on the way. I may have mentioned in a previous post that the suit tailors are either from Nepal or India and they sure are. Before leaving the drinking strip I hit up the Pink VW Kombi bar for a zombie. I order a shot but instead they give me a whole cup for the price of the shot, repeat customer privilege! It is awesome but really, really strong.

The Kombi selection.

The Zombie = death in a cup. But tastes great!
(White rum, golden rum, dark rum, apricot brandy, pineapple juice,  papaya juice, 1/2 part 151 proof rum dash grenadine!!!)

I get that feeling I will regret it tomorrow...maybe even that night! I buy a pair of leather slip-ons from a big guy who poses for a photo with me. He tries to sell me music but I am too drunk to pick. I dance with a group of tailors and shirt vendors on the main drag. Vicky is making a beeline for the hotel as she has to pee and can’t wait for me dicking around.

I teach him bad things. He hugs Vicky every time we see him for the rest of our stay...

Hotel again, hotel again. Vicky passes out almost immediately. I get changed into new clothes, (I still can’t remember why), and pull out the laptop to do some typing. As I sit down I realise typing will not be possible as the brain was spinning like mad! I get undressed and flop into bed, one foot on the ground to get the room to stay still. It works just long enough black out.

The next day was nothing really to write about, as it was one of the few free days we had to do pretty much nothing or everything. Good thing too because I could barely drink water. Vicky wanted greasy fat burgers so we hit up McDonalds. I told Vicky I would sit outside and wait while she ordered. That was until I got a breath full of open drainage grease trap...I thought I was going to hurl. I duck inside and find the smell of Macca’s to be no more comfort than the street. This better go away quickly. Vicky and I shop for a bit. We see some friends from last night. The funniest were the group of tailors and t-shirt shop owners. Straight away they see me and point, “Hey it’s dancing man! Dancing Man! You want a suit dancing man!” They all start shuffle dancing. One short Thai fellow does a great impression of me dancing drunk. Vicky is amused. I am still drunk for sure. We go back to the hotel and hit the pool. The sun between 12 noon and 3pm is insane with no cloud cover. So the frangipani that line the pool provided cool comfort. By 5 I have sobered up enough to venture out again. It has been a nice day apart from feeling a bit seedy. Fat Mama’s gets a visit and three Chang’s later I am feeling awesome.

Tomorrow will be our safari day in Phuket. See some elephants, ride some elephants and learn a bit about rice and rubber! I thought it better not to have anymore drinks so we give the pink kombi a wide berth.

What a day! See you on safari J

I’m out - Chris

Phuket FantaSea!

We rise late in the morning. Not too seedy from the antics last night but I still knew I had been drinking. Breakfast was included in our stay at Banthai so we donned our thongs and hit the buffet.

Hotel buffets have always been a hit and miss affair in my experience. Too little of the crispy bacon and too much baked beans. This place however had table upon table of pastries, breads, hot meat, cold meat, fresh fruit...let’s just say it went on and on! They also had a big egg station where they did eggs every which way. I opted for coffee, greasy bacon and sausages plus a pile of fresh fruit. I could feel the slight hang-over disappear so we headed off to see what was around.

Instead of heading left we set of up the road. It is a lot of the same as down the road but seemed a little less more exciting. After walking for a good 30 minutes or so we decide that the action is in the other direction and make a beeline to the beach front for a stroll.

So Patong Beach is quite long. It was low tide at the time and the thing that struck me the most was the amount of debris, plastic bags, bottles and junk that had washed up over night. It was quite messy and I felt a little deflated and saddened by the sight of all the rubbish on what should be a pristine, untouched strip of coastline. I quickly remind myself that we are in a high tourist traffic area and this is what happens when people don’t respect what they have and sell it all out to make money.

People to the left...

People to the right...secluded it aint but still nice

Heavy! We arrive at the area where our hotel is situated and walk back down the busy strip again. Tuk-tuk, suit, copy watch, massage, diamonds, happy endings...everything was thrown at us as if we hadn’t met them yesterday. It was hot and they still insisted on trying to shake my hand. Oh well, it is their problem that I sweat profusely from the palms. (At least I didn’t have sticky hairy palms lol). We make a few purchases, sunglasses and shit. It is baking hot and it feels like beer o’clock to me, Vicky is thinking the same.

We don’t forget our way to Fat Mama’s. No Jeaw today, we are greeted by Dee. She has a big warm smile and promptly takes our order. Chang for me, breezer for Vicky. Dee tells us that Jeaw closed up at 2am this morning from last night and went to a party until 5am. Lucky for him he starts at 2pm today. The beer is ice cold and goes down quickly...again. More puzzles and friendly chatting make the drinks fly by quickly. We opt out for lunch as the FantaSea show includes a big meal apparently. It is getting crazy hot out at this time so we decide to head back to the hotel and hit up the pool, as it has a great shady corner with spa vents.

There is a pool bar we discover that has barstools in the water. Effing awesome. We swim for a bit and decide we are in fact hungry. The bar is offering an appetizer plate so I take it, Vicky wants a chicken burger. She must have felt like some home food. More Chang beer for me while Vicky has a strawberry daiquiri. (It might be “bitch piss” but it was sweet and cold)

I was impressed with the appetizer plate. Skewer prawns, grilled market style, spring rolls, dim sum, and fish cake things. Great sauces too. As we finish our meals and drinks our waiter Jump, (lol great name!), collects our plates and delivers two ice cold peppermint oil towels and a bowl of popcorn. Nomnomnom nothing says beer by the pool like salty popcorn.

Now that we have eaten I slip off the stool into the water. I can hear my Mum telling me not to swim straight after eating or I will drown...or get a cramp or something that would cause me to drown. It doesn’t happen but the beer in my belly certainly helped me float!

By now we are ready to get showered, changed and off to Phuket FantaSea.

Phuket FantaSea is...well Phuket Fantasea. It is like Disneyland and Dreamworld had sexual relations somewhere in a dark seedy Thai strip club while Siegfried and Roy jacked off in the background. The resulting offspring is one part carnival shopping village side show alley, one part giant buffet restaurant, one part animal park and one part Las Vegas style magical cabaret extravaganza... holy shit!

Mix these four and you get...

Phuket FantaSea! 

We arrive at the gates which are like a giant funnel to the ticket booth. Our tickets were pre-paid so we show our booking details and promptly receive a ticket and a sticker to wear.

I see a pond full of Koi. Thousands of them. I could have stood there for hours had Vicky and I been alone but the hordes of tourists kept coming. The neat thing was everyone else was paying for the fish food so we could watch the fish go nuts.

Koi, wonderful Koi

Confused as to where to go we head up with the flow of people, see some metal detectors and figure that must be where we go through. Either that or we are going to be dipped or shorn!

The park area it’s self isn’t massive but it is built up fairly high to fill in more stuff. I would say 80% of the “side show” alley is made up of shops, 10% games and the rest made up of toilets and an ala carte restaurant. Then the park breaks up into the tiger kingdom, a huge restaurant and the main show entertainment centre plus an area to ride elephants.

Vicky and I set off to take some happy snaps of the park and see what is around, as it is 6pm and the show doesn’t start until 9pm. Buffet has officially started but we have a few hours to kill first. The buildings are hilarious. Some are gaudy white and mirror tile affairs and others are themed to the side show or souvenirs you can buy.

White mirror shop. Full of expensive stuff

Shiny disco elephants!

The main entertainment centre is built like an old Thai style castle, as if it had been discovered somewhere in the far northern jungle. They did an awesome job to make a knock-off 700 year old ruin out of cement and fibreglass. Seriously! If you had blind folded me and told me you were driving me to an ancient Thai temple where they worshiped elephants I would have believed you...had I not turned around and saw the giant gold restaurant!

Totally authentic old palace...except for the Swedish girl in the green slip...lol

More of that later. We go and check out the tiger kingdom. At the entrance we are lured with the promise of white tigers. Vicky is hooked and is off so I follow. There is a huge sign that indicates flash photography is forbidden as it upsets the animals. Good, it is in enough languages that no-one should misunderstand the picture of a camera flashing with a line through it.

No camera "flash" lol

There are a few animals in each window. Most of the habitats look pretty good. The snake one is funny as you are looking through a window beside you for a snake and the last thing you know is above you the roof is perspex with a big snake having a snooze. Don’t ask me about the pelicans. Just don’t. I wanted to break them out L

Frogs! I think...are they rocks?

Snake! Plus one on the roof.

Black lights crap me up. Where is the white man-kini when you need it?

We muddle our way through some funky black lighting and finally after all the wandering we come to the white tigers.

Vicky spots a tiger and gets excited!

There are three of them. And remember, no flash photography. Obviously the family from Hong Kong can’t read what was clearly Mandarin writing, (I think they do Cantonese in Hong Kong...), or they don’t know what a big red circle with a big red line means. This brings about a funny point. In Macau and Hong Kong whenever we went to a show that clearly said no flash photography it felt like a competition to see who could set their flash off the most. Really fucking annoying. Not for me, for the animals! The tigers were nice, hard to photograph due to low light and no flash, lol, but I still had the urge to break them loose...so they could eat the little Greek girl banging on the glass while her Dad took photos next to the sign and picture that indicated do not cross/do not tap on glass.

The one ok shot without too much shake.

Next stop The Golden Kinnaree Buffet restaurant.

Kinnaree are half-bird half-woman of legendary beauty and grace. You will notice a few of them getting around, (not really they are sculptures...), Thailand. Very pretty looking with feathers and big perky boobs. The most famous kinnaree in Thai history if Manora. A Chaing Mai monk in around 1450 wrote a big book full of stories called “Pannas Jataka”. Manora appeared as a heroine in one of the stories. So yeah, famous to Thai people.

The Golden Kinnaree...

This is an all business, in and out with a big happy smile place. It seats 4000 hungry guests. Some do dinner and show like we did. Others skip the buffet and just attend the show. Some even just pay for the buffet they put on. All you can eat food from everywhere. Chinese, Thai, Vietnamese, western. It was all there. Unfortunately because of the huge amount of people like up to 4000 it was hard to get a fresh dish or the good stuff. A bit like the prawn curry at the bowlo on Sunday. If I could suggest one thing on your visit to Phuket FantaSea it would be to skip the buffet and do the show. Either eat at the first restaurant there or eat before you go. It isn’t that great. You might get lucky and be seated next to some warm friendly people or, you might get seated with a couple that didn’t look up from their food or say a word to each other. In fact trying to make eye contact to smile at them was kind of fun for a while. Grub sorted now we wait for the show.

We wait outside of the giant elephant theatre thing.

To be precise, it is the Palace of the Elephants. A 3000 seat theatre, the outside constructed like a Sukothai-era stone palace. An interesting fact is there are 999 elephant statues all around the palace. Interesting, 999 must be auspicious or something. Why on 1000? Anyway, we have a chance to check out the elephants walking around and giving rides. The mahouts and elephants are very talented. (Mahouts are the trainer/owner/rider of the elephants, we will meet some later on in Phuket so I’ll save the back story for then!)

Randoms riding elephants...we will wait for the safari to ride ours

Not one single incident and there were some fucking morons around. Running in front of the elephants, grabbing an ear without permission...you get the idea. These guys were good not to kill anyone!

Into the theatre we go. 3000 people lined up in no particular order. Just lines and ropes funnelling us in from all sides to a camera drop off area. Ingenious idea. This way no one will take photos or videos during the show and piss off everyone else doing the right thing. The ropes and lines now form into gates so we head for ours. A few staff help us to our seat and in no time at all the theatre is packed. The last thing we saw before the show started was a young couple with a baby that looked about 6 weeks old, (it was tiny. Like newborn size and was asleep thankfully. I know people still want to do stuff after children but shit, let them grow up so they can enjoy it first!)

The show was pretty awesome. It included acrobatics, dancing, stunts and a magic section. The story behind the show is that of Kamala, to my knowledge it is just a story for the show, complete myth and it was impossible to follow. It was a good thing the performers were great so I didn’t have to focus on the story. I’ll try to re-tell the story for you here.

It is about a young prince destined to rule a kingdom with his faithful elephant Iyara. The kingdom was full of wealth, prosperity and happiness. The problem was that the essence of the true Thai people was lost as they succumbed to greed and selfish desires and darkness fell upon the land. (Interesting theme for the story considering we are all in a giant theatre in a park designed to rely on its patrons greed and material needs...lol) So the guardian spirits of the land cursed the Prince and his faithful elephant turning them to stone until the Thai people could learn to be good and live in harmony with the land again.

And so the story revolves around the people of the land and another prince trying to sort out the evil to bring prosperity back to his people. I wish we could have taken photos to show you the amazing costumes and dancing. Oh well you will just have to go yourself!

The show came to a close with a great fight scene, the whole cast got into the action smashing up the place. And the pyrotechnics were awesome. I shat my pants 4 times, every time they shot off a canon I literally jumped out of my seat. Sucked in to the new born couple in the FRONT ROW next to the canon! No sympathy lol. I am not anti-baby I am anti-newborn at big expensive cabaret shows.

Some pre-show dancing. They were pretty good it was very much like Thai dance.
The little guy in the golf cart was pretty happy too, even if he was a racial stereotype...

The palace at night. Very Tomb Raider like

We transfer back to the hotel in a pink shuttle bus and it is almost midnight so we flake out in the air conditioning. Tomorrow is another big day, Phi Phi Island tour for a full day in the sun.

I’m off - Chris

Phuket you sexy lady-boy!

Bye Bye Chiang Mai. Hello Phuket!

The part about overseas holidays I hate the most is waiting for transfers and flights. One, because you have that funny feeling the transfer isn’t going to pick you up like they arranged and two, waiting around for flights and stuff just feels like a waste of a day.

Our transfer picks us up promptly from the Mercure Chiang Mai, it is a quick trip to the airport. Interestingly this driver smiles but doesn’t talk. I assume he was mute. The van had an esky that said “Happy Box” on the side. I asked Vicky if she had a happy box. I think the humour was lost on her.

Chiang Mai airport was a little more exciting this time. People trying to check in, security scanning, officers waving squeaky wands. When we arrived it was the last flight and we were the only people left in the arrival lounge! The flight time should be around and hour 40 minutes to two hours to fly south to Phuket. We have our fingers crossed the weather will be a little bit nicer to us than in Chiang Mai as it rained every friggin’ day!.

We arrive at Phuket airport. It is busy and full on. Fucking hot too. Be careful what you wish for I guess, 38 degrees in the shade and sticky! A friendly lady holding our surname on a card greets us amongst the melee of tourists, tour guides and taxi drivers. Did I mention it was full on? I don’t think the picture does it any justice. For a small island airport it is hot, noisy and very touchy feely waiting for vehicles. This wasn't what we were used to

Shiny sign, lots of Sanskrit, full of taxis

Sure it doesn't look to bad..but they were all touching me!! 

The lady with our name card turns out to be a rep from the tour company that operates the Phi Phi Island day trip we will be taking in the morning. So her job is to welcome us, get our shit into the car and see if she can sell us anymore tours. The one good thing was that we were able to upgrade to a jet boat to get to Phi Phi instead of the big cruiser that takes about 50+ people slowly. She tries to sell us more but we have a few things to do already. The trip from the airport to Patong beach is about an hour so we take in the sights in the comfort of air conditioning.

To keep your thirst for information going here is a brief run down on Phuket, so when you go and visit you will know a little something about it instead of being an ignorant European. (Sorry, but they have been so filthy rude I can’t even begin to describe L )

So Phuket used be known as Thalang. It is about the size of Singapore and is Thailand’s largest island. Long before tourism, Phuket sourced wealth from tin mining and rubber production and it was on one of the major trading routes between India and China. A local told me that the word Phuket was derived from the Malay work bukit which means hill because the island looks like a hill from a distance.

Phuket is located in the Andaman Sea, southern Thailand. If you remember anything about Phuket’s history it should be the 2004 boxing day tsunami. Lots of people died. Some tourists. Unknown quantities of illegal Burmese workers building new beach resorts in the Khao Lak area. Almost all of the west coast was devastated by the tsunami, including Patong.

Which brings us to our hotel on Patong beach. Banthai Beach Resort.

It is very slick looking, about 300 meters off main drag and 400 meters from Patong beach. There is a huge construction job going on for more accommodation. I cross my fingers and hope we don’t get lumped near the building zone.

The lobby is air conditioned and smells amazing. Really! Like peppermint and lavender. The concierge takes our details and sits us down. We are greeted by a young girl with fresh pineapple juice and cold towels. There are those moments on holidays you have and just feel totally relaxed. This was one of them. The towels were scented with peppermint oil, damp and cold. Any hint of a headache I had dissipated within seconds.

The rooms are well furnished, big enough to accommodate two comfortably. Fresh fruit is awaiting, but so is the bed. Beckoning me to take a jump. I don the complimentary robe and jump for luck...

Nice room...very noice and comfy

Save paper and wash your arse...or face...whatever works...

Pool view was great, plenty of talent...err I mean wildlife...I mean interesting people swimming in the afternoons...

There was a small crack when I landed, thankfully not me! First things first...I get a good signal to the wi-fi but find you have to pay for it. I am such a cheapskate that I thought wi-fi would have been free. They have free wi-fi in the lobby but not in the rooms. I repeat, NOT FREE like the website states! Anyway. We unpack a little and hit the streets, we ain’t here to facebook!

Engough complaining! Bed jump you bastard!!

Thanon Tawepwpmg Road is like the main drag and runs along most of Patong beach. The strip is lined with bars, a few restaurants, massage shops, skin eating fish tanks and people selling stuff. It is a tourist trap and sell-out heaven. I go with it as I am there for a good time not to cry about how commercialised Patong is.

Tuk-tuk strip. Not three wheel fun like Chiang Mai but some have insane sound systems...

The sellers that got me first were not Thai, they looked either Indian or Pakistani or something.

“G’day mate. Where are you from cobber? Wagga Wagga?”

The dude nailed a crocodile Dundee accent. I had to turn and look.

“You want a suit? DVD? CD? What about a porno mate?”

I laugh and say no thank you.

And this happened every 2 shops. One guy with the Aussie accent and three guys to mob you should you want a suit, DVD or whatever else they had for sale.

Just when we thought these shops were nuts we turn down a lane with a big sign arching above it, “Patong Otop”. This is a big market area and full of little 10 seater bars. You walk up, sit down, drink and stumble home.

The first one has Australian flags all over it, plus a huge, no I mean fucking tall lady-boy behind the bar area in a corset. Thankfully the next bar has some better looking faces, is empty and less Australiana attached to it. Fat Mama Beer Bar. This was it, our watering hole for the next 4 nights for sure.

Things were going great, the staff were chatty and knew a lot about the area. The beer was cheap and so were the cocktails to Vicky’s delight.

Fat Mama Beer Bar. They even pay for your toilet fee!

Our barman knocked up a few blue cocktails, the favourite being the Blue Margarita. Chang beer for me. It went down quicker than the lady-boy did next door. So we have two people behind the bar. Jaew, (pronounce Chew only quicker), is a happy party boy. Gets up anytime between 10am and 2pm to start work and parties on until 5am the next day, everyday. He hands me a wooden puzzle and some nails clamped together. Damn I hate these things. I go with it and actually try to get the nails apart.

Blue heaven...so I am told. Jit is behind writing up the tab

Jit is the other person behind the bar. She is very pretty and does not look a day over 16. We are assured by Jaew she is 22. She hands Vicky a few puzzles and within minutes we are hopelessly hooked on them. What they can do in 10 seconds we can’t do with instructions in 10 minutes.

I did fluke a big sphere puzzle. See attached surprised face...

I didn't even try to do it...I was just fiddling with it and then BAM!

Time flew by and night fell. I was well and truly drunk. Vicky had been pacing herself like a good girl. Jaew hurls a display folder containing pictures of Thai food in it. I am just drunk enough to try something from a place where I don’t know where it comes from. I order the spicy fried catfish. Jaew says it’s spicy. I tell him it better be. Vicky orders Pad Thai. Jaew makes a phone call and within about 15 minutes a lady rocks up on a mo-ped, one hand steering and the other carrying a tray with our dishes. They smell amazing and look even better. This was some spicy catfish! It was riddled with stalks of green peppercorns which surprisingly were very flavoursome, only extremely hot. The food bill was a total of 300bht (plus a tip) for a total of about $10 we got the two dishes plus steamed rice. Fucking awesome.

Pad Thai done in Thailand is better. No, really it is :)

Spicy catfish. Fucking oath it was spicy. And bony but that added to the danger

After the meal and a few more drinks, Jaew hands me a permanent marker and points to the ceiling, (when I say ceiling I mean it is in the shape of a beach umbrella and made out of wood), and asks me to sign. Cool, first night and I am standing on the bar already!

We bid Jaew and Jit a fond farewell and agree to see them for drinks again. After dodging the sellers, (who it turns out a lot of them are Nepalese after chatting with them), we see a bright pink VW Kombi with pink neon lights that had been converted to a bar on the side of the road. Shots are 100bht each so I skip over like a little school girl and slap a pink note down. I choose a Tomahawk as I had never had one before and it reminded me of COD black ops... The three guys running it are very friendly, I asked if it was ok to take a photo. The guy just about fell over when I asked and shook my hand, “Of cuss of cuss boss, you take you take it’s ok”

Pink Kombi shots bar. Fuckin' smart!

Tomahawk. Strong and tasty. Like a tomahawk to the face...

While I am making a fool of myself He tells Vicky that no one ever asks permission and that was very nice of me to do that. He also said that he has people that just walk in and get behind the bar and cause trouble. It’s a funny thing. I mean, this is their workplace and they know it’s a tough job liquoring up foreigners but they aren’t a side show attraction. A little respect goes a long way I reckon.

It sure showed in the drink too, a huge shot and it was stronger than I expected. Ok so now this is drink spot number two after we have finished at Fat Mama’s J

We check out the beach at night and the streets. Just as wild as this afternoon. We get back to our room and I notice that our room number adds together...2408...2x4+0=8

It was nice because it was empty! Patong Beach, Phuket 

I did say it was a tourist trap. Go to Chiang Mai if you want culture.

Strange photos of strange things...must have been drunk!

Funny how you notice some things when you are drunk and not others. Like how you can see random mathematic equations around the place but you can’t remember where you left your wallet!

Vicky flakes out and snoozes immediately. I am awake so I don the robe again and set up a self owling pic in the bathtub. Not an easy task so I hope you appreciate it.

The Owl. What a magnificent bird he is...

I just remembered I was naked in that pick, (apart from the robe). Oh and also, the Banthai Beach Resort has the best accessory kit ever. It has shower caps, toothbrush, toothpaste, sewing kit, sanitary bag, cotton tips and a mysterious baggie with white powder...

Mystery powder in the kit. Saner persons would have rung reception and asked...

Yep, I did not buy that from the Nepalese bloke next to the suit shop who said, “Wanna suit mate? DVD mate? What about some cocaine brother?”

I had a choice here. It did not have a fragrance so to discover what it is I could either sniff it and wait, taste it and see or mix some up in water as it was likely to be talc of some sort.

I hedge my bets and fill a glass with water, tip some in. While that is dissolving I dip my finger and taste it.

Fucking washing powder!! And the glass I could make bubbles.

Night all, tomorrow is the Phuket FantaSea show

I’m out - Chris