The part about overseas holidays I hate the most is waiting for transfers and flights. One, because you have that funny feeling the transfer isn’t going to pick you up like they arranged and two, waiting around for flights and stuff just feels like a waste of a day.
Our transfer picks us up promptly from the Mercure Chiang Mai, it is a quick trip to the airport. Interestingly this driver smiles but doesn’t talk. I assume he was mute. The van had an esky that said “Happy Box” on the side. I asked Vicky if she had a happy box. I think the humour was lost on her.
Chiang Mai airport was a little more exciting this time. People trying to check in, security scanning, officers waving squeaky wands. When we arrived it was the last flight and we were the only people left in the arrival lounge! The flight time should be around and hour 40 minutes to two hours to fly south to Phuket. We have our fingers crossed the weather will be a little bit nicer to us than in Chiang Mai as it rained every friggin’ day!.
We arrive at Phuket airport. It is busy and full on. Fucking hot too. Be careful what you wish for I guess, 38 degrees in the shade and sticky! A friendly lady holding our surname on a card greets us amongst the melee of tourists, tour guides and taxi drivers. Did I mention it was full on? I don’t think the picture does it any justice. For a small island airport it is hot, noisy and very touchy feely waiting for vehicles. This wasn't what we were used to
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| Shiny sign, lots of Sanskrit, full of taxis |
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| Sure it doesn't look to bad..but they were all touching me!! |
The lady with our name card turns out to be a rep from the tour company that operates the Phi Phi Island day trip we will be taking in the morning. So her job is to welcome us, get our shit into the car and see if she can sell us anymore tours. The one good thing was that we were able to upgrade to a jet boat to get to Phi Phi instead of the big cruiser that takes about 50+ people slowly. She tries to sell us more but we have a few things to do already. The trip from the airport to Patong beach is about an hour so we take in the sights in the comfort of air conditioning.
To keep your thirst for information going here is a brief run down on Phuket, so when you go and visit you will know a little something about it instead of being an ignorant European. (Sorry, but they have been so filthy rude I can’t even begin to describe L )
So Phuket used be known as Thalang. It is about the size of Singapore and is Thailand’s largest island. Long before tourism, Phuket sourced wealth from tin mining and rubber production and it was on one of the major trading routes between India and China. A local told me that the word Phuket was derived from the Malay work bukit which means hill because the island looks like a hill from a distance.
Phuket is located in the Andaman Sea, southern Thailand. If you remember anything about Phuket’s history it should be the 2004 boxing day tsunami. Lots of people died. Some tourists. Unknown quantities of illegal Burmese workers building new beach resorts in the Khao Lak area. Almost all of the west coast was devastated by the tsunami, including Patong.
Which brings us to our hotel on Patong beach. Banthai Beach Resort.
It is very slick looking, about 300 meters off main drag and 400 meters from Patong beach. There is a huge construction job going on for more accommodation. I cross my fingers and hope we don’t get lumped near the building zone.
The lobby is air conditioned and smells amazing. Really! Like peppermint and lavender. The concierge takes our details and sits us down. We are greeted by a young girl with fresh pineapple juice and cold towels. There are those moments on holidays you have and just feel totally relaxed. This was one of them. The towels were scented with peppermint oil, damp and cold. Any hint of a headache I had dissipated within seconds.
The rooms are well furnished, big enough to accommodate two comfortably. Fresh fruit is awaiting, but so is the bed. Beckoning me to take a jump. I don the complimentary robe and jump for luck...
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| Nice room...very noice and comfy |
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| Save paper and wash your arse...or face...whatever works... |
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| Pool view was great, plenty of talent...err I mean wildlife...I mean interesting people swimming in the afternoons... |
There was a small crack when I landed, thankfully not me! First things first...I get a good signal to the wi-fi but find you have to pay for it. I am such a cheapskate that I thought wi-fi would have been free. They have free wi-fi in the lobby but not in the rooms. I repeat, NOT FREE like the website states! Anyway. We unpack a little and hit the streets, we ain’t here to facebook!
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| Engough complaining! Bed jump you bastard!! |
Thanon Tawepwpmg Road is like the main drag and runs along most of Patong beach. The strip is lined with bars, a few restaurants, massage shops, skin eating fish tanks and people selling stuff. It is a tourist trap and sell-out heaven. I go with it as I am there for a good time not to cry about how commercialised Patong is.
The sellers that got me first were not Thai, they looked either Indian or Pakistani or something.
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| Tuk-tuk strip. Not three wheel fun like Chiang Mai but some have insane sound systems... |
“G’day mate. Where are you from cobber? Wagga Wagga?”
The dude nailed a crocodile Dundee accent. I had to turn and look.
“You want a suit? DVD? CD? What about a porno mate?”
I laugh and say no thank you.
And this happened every 2 shops. One guy with the Aussie accent and three guys to mob you should you want a suit, DVD or whatever else they had for sale.
Just when we thought these shops were nuts we turn down a lane with a big sign arching above it, “Patong Otop”. This is a big market area and full of little 10 seater bars. You walk up, sit down, drink and stumble home.
The first one has Australian flags all over it, plus a huge, no I mean fucking tall lady-boy behind the bar area in a corset. Thankfully the next bar has some better looking faces, is empty and less Australiana attached to it. Fat Mama Beer Bar. This was it, our watering hole for the next 4 nights for sure.
Things were going great, the staff were chatty and knew a lot about the area. The beer was cheap and so were the cocktails to Vicky’s delight.
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| Fat Mama Beer Bar. They even pay for your toilet fee! |
Our barman knocked up a few blue cocktails, the favourite being the Blue Margarita. Chang beer for me. It went down quicker than the lady-boy did next door. So we have two people behind the bar. Jaew, (pronounce Chew only quicker), is a happy party boy. Gets up anytime between 10am and 2pm to start work and parties on until 5am the next day, everyday. He hands me a wooden puzzle and some nails clamped together. Damn I hate these things. I go with it and actually try to get the nails apart.
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| Blue heaven...so I am told. Jit is behind writing up the tab |
Jit is the other person behind the bar. She is very pretty and does not look a day over 16. We are assured by Jaew she is 22. She hands Vicky a few puzzles and within minutes we are hopelessly hooked on them. What they can do in 10 seconds we can’t do with instructions in 10 minutes.
I did fluke a big sphere puzzle. See attached surprised face...
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| I didn't even try to do it...I was just fiddling with it and then BAM! |
Time flew by and night fell. I was well and truly drunk. Vicky had been pacing herself like a good girl. Jaew hurls a display folder containing pictures of Thai food in it. I am just drunk enough to try something from a place where I don’t know where it comes from. I order the spicy fried catfish. Jaew says it’s spicy. I tell him it better be. Vicky orders Pad Thai. Jaew makes a phone call and within about 15 minutes a lady rocks up on a mo-ped, one hand steering and the other carrying a tray with our dishes. They smell amazing and look even better. This was some spicy catfish! It was riddled with stalks of green peppercorns which surprisingly were very flavoursome, only extremely hot. The food bill was a total of 300bht (plus a tip) for a total of about $10 we got the two dishes plus steamed rice. Fucking awesome.
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| Pad Thai done in Thailand is better. No, really it is :) |
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| Spicy catfish. Fucking oath it was spicy. And bony but that added to the danger |
After the meal and a few more drinks, Jaew hands me a permanent marker and points to the ceiling, (when I say ceiling I mean it is in the shape of a beach umbrella and made out of wood), and asks me to sign. Cool, first night and I am standing on the bar already!
We bid Jaew and Jit a fond farewell and agree to see them for drinks again. After dodging the sellers, (who it turns out a lot of them are Nepalese after chatting with them), we see a bright pink VW Kombi with pink neon lights that had been converted to a bar on the side of the road. Shots are 100bht each so I skip over like a little school girl and slap a pink note down. I choose a Tomahawk as I had never had one before and it reminded me of COD black ops... The three guys running it are very friendly, I asked if it was ok to take a photo. The guy just about fell over when I asked and shook my hand, “Of cuss of cuss boss, you take you take it’s ok”
While I am making a fool of myself He tells Vicky that no one ever asks permission and that was very nice of me to do that. He also said that he has people that just walk in and get behind the bar and cause trouble. It’s a funny thing. I mean, this is their workplace and they know it’s a tough job liquoring up foreigners but they aren’t a side show attraction. A little respect goes a long way I reckon.
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| Pink Kombi shots bar. Fuckin' smart! |
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| Tomahawk. Strong and tasty. Like a tomahawk to the face... |
It sure showed in the drink too, a huge shot and it was stronger than I expected. Ok so now this is drink spot number two after we have finished at Fat Mama’s J
We check out the beach at night and the streets. Just as wild as this afternoon. We get back to our room and I notice that our room number adds together...2408...2x4+0=8
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| It was nice because it was empty! Patong Beach, Phuket |
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| I did say it was a tourist trap. Go to Chiang Mai if you want culture. |
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| Strange photos of strange things...must have been drunk! |
Funny how you notice some things when you are drunk and not others. Like how you can see random mathematic equations around the place but you can’t remember where you left your wallet!
Vicky flakes out and snoozes immediately. I am awake so I don the robe again and set up a self owling pic in the bathtub. Not an easy task so I hope you appreciate it.
I just remembered I was naked in that pick, (apart from the robe). Oh and also, the Banthai Beach Resort has the best accessory kit ever. It has shower caps, toothbrush, toothpaste, sewing kit, sanitary bag, cotton tips and a mysterious baggie with white powder...
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| The Owl. What a magnificent bird he is... |
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| Mystery powder in the kit. Saner persons would have rung reception and asked... |
I had a choice here. It did not have a fragrance so to discover what it is I could either sniff it and wait, taste it and see or mix some up in water as it was likely to be talc of some sort.
I hedge my bets and fill a glass with water, tip some in. While that is dissolving I dip my finger and taste it.
Fucking washing powder!! And the glass I could make bubbles.
Night all, tomorrow is the Phuket FantaSea show
I’m out - Chris
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