I wake before the alarm. 5:21am. Good, I have 49 minutes to cuddle into the missus and snooze.
Something doesn’t sound right. About this time I should be hearing a mo-ped throttle to gauge-exploding rpm’s. Instead of hearing the Chiang Mai hustle ‘n’ bustle echoing through the room I hear the rhythmic pitter-patter of rain children stomping on the tiles below the window.
Nice. Rain sure beats counting sheep to help one sleep. I love the sound of typhonic rain smashing on terracotta. No bed clothes spoon for the win!
SHIT! Typhoon?!?! RAIN??!? We have a 10 hour tour up north today! Rain was not part of the pre-paid package. I spend the next 49 minutes thinking about how I was going to keep the passports, camera gear and money dry today.
6 am ish we hit the lifts to buffet breakfast. I am so anxious about the weather I don’t think I can eat. Fuckin rain. Who asked you to come here and dump on us?
As Vicky and I lumber toward the 24 hour bar/buffet restaurant a local Thai man gestures wildly at us.
“Are you Vicky Fawnsross?”
Oh man, is this our tour guide? Picture this. 5’2” Thai long-nailed male with a huuuuuge smile flashing spirit fingers in your face at 6:20am. Yeah, you would want to slap that too. Remembering where I was I flash a smile back and ‘wai’ like a foreign moron that doesn’t know how to ‘wai’ for shit and gush, “Saah-waaaaht-dee Jiaoo...ka..krub..gee...fah...so..laaaaa...ummm....Hello”
“I am Petaaw, Ayemm yoh guy-et. You go eat now. I will wet hee-ah.”
While I fail to ‘wai’ I catch a glimpse of his Thailand Tourism Authority ID card. He aint’ no Peter. That ‘P’ word on his ID tag is bullshit long. Peter it is then. Off to buffet we go.
Being anxious I thought toast and fruit would go down a treat. The bread here is like eating a finger bun sans sultanas and currants, made square and sliced. Sweet, soft and awesome. I toast 4 pieces in the hotel conveyer belt toaster. Hotel toasters are so much more fun that home toasters. It’s like cooking a pizza except you put toast in it. Yeah, that made sense... Onto the fruit. Honey dew melon, check. Rock melon, check. Watermelon, check. Wife melons, focus Chris you are hungry. Hairy fruit...what the? Rambutan? I gamble that if they put it out on a hotel buffet spread it is edible.
I get back to the table with Vicky munching some oh so sweet toast and have a crack at the rambutan. If I could explain it I would. But I can’t. So think of it this way, the fruit with skin-on looks like a red inflamed minge, except smells much fresher. Crack the hairy skin and you have translucent white flesh. Bite in and you find cold refreshing lychee + something you haven’t tasted before...
Before you could say “rambutan is awesome” Peter has sat down with us, ordered a coffee and has a juice chaser ready. I should be worried but the man has taste. There is nothing in this whole world like strong black coffee followed by a fruit juice chaser. I let it ride.
Have you ever judged a book by its cover? I know I have. It’s human nature. I judged Peter as if he was a signed copy of the book of the TV series Sex and the City. That’s right, I would have burned him and chopped him up and then burned him again. But as he talked I warmed to him quickly. This man obviously knew his Thailand!
Enter the Jeep Cherokee, leather trim and wood grain air-conditioned joy. Peter ran through a quick itinerary and set off to Chiang Rai. I will say it now and I mean it. This guy was fucking good. Peter has been a tour guide for 20 years and has never left Thailand. If he couldn’t arrange it or get it done cheaper it wasn’t worth knowing about.
To get to Chiang Rai we would need to go via a bunch of “Doi’s” (mountains). I don’t know how I entrusted our lives in the hands of a local. What double line? What blind corner? Who needs both hands to overtake and talk on the phone on a blind corner? At least the mountain jungle is pretty. The rain is pretty heavy. Torrential even. We hit a large section of road underwater.
“Oh mai gaaaawt! Look at the watta! So mush watta! Is a watta frwud!”
If Peter thinks it’s deep it must be deep. We pass without incident. As the incline begins to flatten out we slow and pull into a hot spring. Peter excitedly informs us that these are the highest springs in Thailand and that we can get real gemstones and silver at the markets at “special plice”. Great pitch Peter. I exit the Jeep and get a lung full of sulphur. The spring is gushing at least 4 storeys into the air then ceases flow like clamping the base of...never mind.
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| Thar she blows! |
I head for the toilet. 5 baht entry, I giggle and flash a 500 baht note at the lady with the coins. This was the first person in Thailand not to smile at me. Obviously I had over stepped the line. I give her 10 baht for the inconvenience and head in to pee.
Thankfully it was a pee as there was no toilet paper, only a strange looking hose with gun attachment. I have seen the same garden hose in our hotel bathroom. I drain the lizard but before exiting the cubicle I pick up the hose...point it at the toilet bowl...squeeze....SPWOOOOOOOOOSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH! Holy shit! So the idea is that you don’t waste paper or have to touch your arse in anyway but the compromise is a jet of water so pressurised you either feel like you had an enema or got raped by Aquaman. I think these cheeks will stay clenched for the next few hours...
I catch up with Vicky, she is buying silverware from one of the shop owners. Cheap silver box purchased we check out the natural foot spa, the hot tub hot spa and the famous geyser. I have attached below video so you get an idea of what we saw.
The best part was the lady selling eggs to dip in the hot spring water. I didn’t buy one because I didn’t want egg and it seemed very wrong to waste something so edible. Vicky and I down our sugar-sugar-sweet coffees and climb back into the Jeep.
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| It smells like egg. Boil it. Still smells like egg. Must be the eggs... |
About an hour and a half later we ride up to a police check-point. It is basically set up to stop people coming in illegally and trafficking drugs into Chiang Mai and to stop people trafficking drugs out to the Golden Triangle. We pass without incident, as Peter explains when the police see tourists and his Tourism ID card they don’t hassle us. Good thing too because the 6kg of coke stuffed in the black rubber dildo in my arse would have certainly earned me the death penalty. (Joke! There was no cocaine in the dildo, it was solid silicone...haha).
After the check point a giant white “wat” (temple) appears. This is the White Temple, Wat Rong Khun. This crazy Thai artist used his own money to build it. It is white with mirror mosaic tiles all over it. There are hands coming up from hell below the foot bridge and guardian dragons and such to protect the entrance from evil. I have attached a few nice shots below so you get an idea of what it looks like.
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| Wat Rong Khun. Say it like it looks, only at the end say "koon" |
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| Detailed. Intricate. Jaw-dropping. |
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| Pits of hell. One hand was giving the finger...lol |
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| They like it large and golden in Thailand |
We come to the main entrance of the temple. Here you must remove your shoes before entry. Obviously no photos are allowed as this is a sacred place. A few locals are engrossed in prayer inside. We enter and assume the position. There is a giant gold Buddha, many icons and relics. The whole inside is painted to tell a story. The twist on the story is that a lot of the images and people are famous/political persons. Even GW Bush gets a feature in the paintings!
There is a monk sitting at the base of the Bhuddha . Stone faced staring at us. I quickly glance at him. Yep, he is staring at me. OK. So can I look back?
I look up and smile at the monk. He does not budge. I break the stare and look at the walls. I whisper to Vicky, “There is a monk there...see him?” Vicky nods. We exit and continue taking photos. We come to a giant gold house. A Huge building. It is all gold with intricate carvings and murals. It is the toilets...THE TOILETS!!!
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| Golden toilets...nothing else I can add here... |
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| Stylish. For men and women. |
After the most enlightened piss of my life we enter the museum and purchase a few prints of the artwork from inside the temple. This artist is freaking awesome. His name is Chalermchai Kositpipat and he is awesome. Just google his name for some pictures or follow the link. J
We photo, we piss, we purchase and we pile back into the jeep. Peter laughs at us when we ask about the monk meditating in the temple. He was fucking wax! Peter says he knows of some temples in Chiang Mai that have some wax monks in boxes that look even more realistic. Off to get some food.
As we begin to drive the rain pours down. It makes for some exciting travel. Peter takes us to the Rimkok Resort, Chiang Rai for lunch. He tells us they do a great buffet and it won’t make us sick like some of the food vendors in Chiang Sen. Awesome. Plus he is paying! THE...BUFFET..WAS...AWESOME!!! They had everything there. I went for weird fish and soups. Vicky did the Pad Thai and soup. I reckon the soup alone, no noodle or vegetables could be consumed all day. So tasty.
After filling up we head off. Peter asks if we would like to check out the Karen Long Neck village. Fuck yeah. I mean it sounds dodgy but you are only in Chiang Rai once right? Peter takes us down a dirty back road off the main highway. This looks like the kind of place you take Australians out to kill after a hard day driving...haha, and then we pull up to the village. There are three men sitting in a guard post charging 500bht per person to check out the village. What ever, pay the man and show us the locals!
Peter guides us down to a rickety bamboo bridge. I mean really fucking rickety! I know bamboo is strong but even I was a bit worried. I keep smiling and walk confidently so Vicky doesn’t feel so scared. It doesn’t work but she makes it anyway.
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| It swayed and crackled as we walked... |
Peter explains to us that the Karen Long Neck came to Myanmar across the border from Burma a long time ago as refugees. The Thai government at the time allowed them to stay with the hill tribes as long as they did not come into Chiang Rai or Chiang Mai...or any of the cities for that matter. And they had to be open to visitors and tourists to take photos like a freak show basically. And that is what it was like. You walk up, they have hand crafts for sale and Peter gestures for photos. “This what they here for. You take photo. Take photo”
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| It was weird but, the Karen didn't seem to worried about photos |
Peter explained even further that the women never leave the village. They make scarves and bags and stuff and pose for photos. They make the money while the men collect admission fees and smoke opium. Lots of opium. That explains the glazed eyes when we paid the men at the guard post.
There are also other hill tribes living in the village. The Akha also live in the area. The woven scarves and bags are beautiful. They are allowed to enter the Thai cities and sell their wares unlike the Karen Long Necks, I guess because they are not immigrants or something.
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| The Hills....Myanmar style! It ain't easy being a hill tribe. |
What a place! Peter drives us up to a viewing platform. You can see Burma and Laos and the mountains that hide China. This is The Golden Triangle. Peter gives a detailed history of the golden triangle and how it came about.
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| (For description see sign above...) |
Here is the short version...
Three rivers meet in the middle, Mekong is the biggest and the one I remember. The triangle is between Burma, Laos and Thailand. Opium used to be legal in Thailand, you could go to an opium house and lay down to suck in a few fumes. Then the U.S. got involved, and the Thai administrators agreed to make opium illegal. Like any drug there are people who will want it so to avoid authorities Thai men would meet on long tail boats with dealers from Laos and Burma. They would meet where the rivers intersect. Thai men were/are clever and used counterfeit money to purchase their opium until the Burmese/Vietnamese discovered the funny money. After that you could only purchase opium with gold as it could be tested unlike money. There you go, The Golden Triangle in a nutshell.
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| Floating on a boat, with gold waiting for some opium... |
At the bottom of the viewing platform is an old, old temple. Wat Phra That Pu Khao. It was constructed in 1302 B.E. (or 759 A.D. for the jesus-lovers). This place has not been renovated since it was built. There is a huge staircase and beautiful mossy ruins at the top with a shrine to Buddha. We were the only tourists there. I am not a spiritual person but to take off your shoes, enter the pagoda and kneel before hundreds of years old place of worship was an eerie and overwhelming experience. I reckon I left the pagoda feeling more peaceful than when I had entered. Might need to opium...
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| Old stairs are still hard to climb... |
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| Quiet and serene. How's the serenity, love? |
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| Awesome protectors. No renovation, only cleaning... |
Speaking of opium, they have an Opium Museum. Go to the website, and go there if you are in Chiang Sen...here is the link: House of Opium. The place is insane. There is even a recipe/guide for manufacturing opium and morphine in there. Photo attached J (if you go with Peter he will get you entry at the “local price” (30bht p.p. versus 50bht p.p.).
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| For all your opium smoking needs... |
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| DIY project? |
There is also a huge Buddha on a boat parked on the Thai side of the Mekong river. Very cool. We rub a big gong and wish for our families good health and fortune then clamber up to the top of two elephant statues. Lots of laughs watching Vicky trying to smile even though she was trembling with fear from the height.
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| This one time, on the Mekong, this giant Buddha washed up... |
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| Yeah it felt like boob. That is why I'm smiling! |
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| Yes. We are the King and Queen of Thailand... |
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| It tasted sooo much better than it looks here! |
The last thing I do is make a withdrawal from the ATM next door. It is hilarious. After I receive the 4000bht and get my card and receipt the ATM plays a very happy and upbeat tune like a win on the pokies. I am so excited I almost put my card back in for another press!
Into the supermarket, I promise myself only to buy water and beer to change out the 1000bht notes. Then I see the snack food isle. Holy shit. They have potato chips that have two kinds of flavour chips in one bag! My favourite so far is Chilli Squid and Lime Sauce. Half the bag is Chilli Squid. The other half is Lime sauce/salsa flavoured. Take one of each and stuff in your mouth for a flavour explosion. The chilli deep fried seaweed is awesome with Chang beer by the way. Chang is awesome.
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| Two flavours in one bag is AWESOME!!! |
Nighty night all, sorry this is like from 3 days ago. The internet was bullshit in Chiang Mai. No sooner had you sorted a connection had it dropped out. The blog posts should be thick and fast as I have a few days stored up. Keep checking!!
Shit this was long....
If you go to Chiang Mai and want a cheap English speaking guide who knows his shit hit up:
Pairat ‘Peter’ Vasuthapaisarn: pairatpeter_num@hotmail.com
Tell him Chris and Vicky said “sawasdee kha!”
I’m off - Chris
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